Helping you to help your children

10 Top Quick Tips to Help your Child with Conversation

These tips from ZooBooKoo are designed to help parents develop and practise the art of conversation with their children.  Adapt the tips below to suit the age of your child and enjoy.  It takes effort to encourage good conversation but the rewards are huge, especially as your little people develop into competent young adults (useful links and games below).

1. Open questions
2. Conversation openers
3. Relevant news items
4. Timing and 'no phone' zones
5. Art of listening
6. Empathy
7. Beware leading the witness
8. Accurate language
9. Truth and integrity
10. Full explanations (because...)

1. Open questions
An open question does not have a 'yes' or 'no' answer.  Learn a few and practise using them - it takes a little getting used to.  eg: What do you feel about...?;  You look unhappy.  What made you unhappy today?;  What lessons did you have today?  (if they say nothing, don't worry, one day they will respond!);  What was the best thing that happened today?  What was the worst thing that happened today?  Having then begun the conversation, still try to use only open questions.  Take a look at these conversation openers.

2. Conversation openers
There are plenty conversation openers in (1) above and more below in the helpful links.  You may want to try topic cards or conversation cards to give you all some ideas - these can be useful during meal times or long car journeys. Games are great conversation openers.  Acronymia is popular because you can play in teams and begin almost straight away, no complex rules or setup. 

3. Relevant news
Cut out articles from the local paper or print out from the web any news item that may interest your child.  This could be about animals, sports, celebrities, local issues.  Use these to begin a conversation.  Also use news about a relative or friend which can lead into an interesting conversation.

4. Timing and 'phone-free' zones
You can't force a good conversation.  You can try gently to begin a conversation, but if it is going nowhere, let it be for a while.  Straight after school is usually a non-starter.  They have been talking and listening all day.  As you begin a more meaningful conversation (ie about something important that has to be gone through, or during meal times), agree that all mobiles (that includes yours!) are turned off.  They are conversation killers.

5. Art of listening
A good conversation is only possible with good listening.  You may have to learn to listen, as not many of us are naturally good listeners.  Practise with your partner or a friend (and then your children!) - one person can talk for two minutes about something that is really important to them but during this time the other person is not allowed to say a single word - no interruptions.  Try it!  During a real conversation you do want to speak for it to be a conversation, but make sure you are listening for natural pauses where you should speak and that you are not interrupting.  Children know when you are not really listening.  Do not do anything else.  Focus on them, on the sofa, at the table with good eye contact.

6. Empathy
While you are listening to your child, show that you understand where your child is coming from and how they are feeling .  Demonstrate with facial expressions or a slight nod of your head that you do understand, smiles where appropriate. Use your eyes to encourage them to continue with a story, or perhaps, 'And then what happened?' 

7. Beware leading the witness
Try not to tell your children what to do or how to think.  Try to develop the conversation so that they end up working out for themselves what is the right thing to do and think.  This takes practise as the urge for you to say, 'But you can't do that!' can be overwhelming.  Until it becomes second nature try learning to say things like:  'How would you feel if that happened to you?,';  'What would happen if everyone did that?';  'If that happened, how will that person feel?';  'What would happen if you do that?'

8. Accurate language
Children copy what we do, how we speak and how we listen.  Ensure you use good language, descriptive, accurate and complete.  Introduce new alternative words, explaining fully as you do.  Gently correct poor grammar and inaccurate English.  You will feel as if you are nagging but it will pay off.  Do not correct them if the conversation is particularly serious or emotional. 

9. Truth and integrity
Your children look to you to tell them how it really it.  While you need to ensure what you say is age appropriate, the truth is always a good idea.  As the children grow older they will appreciate good conversations with someone they know will give them truthful, interesting and accurate information.  If you do not know something, use the opportunity to investigate together online or in a book.  Share the experience. 

10. Full explanations
Children need full explanations in order to understand and learn.  This helps create good behaviour patterns and promote conversation.  Learn and use these sentences, 'I really like it when you do that because...'  Or, 'I don't like it when you do that because...'  Try not to overuse them, but they are an excellent way of talking more fully and often act as good conversation openers.

Useful 'conversation' links:
• Acronymia
• Conversation Starters
• Topic Cards
• Conversation Cards
• Educational Toys